january 31
10:42am
off by ten minutes i type.
in january comes good things.
a start of a new year.
the possibility of summer.
the start of my new career.
the transition is complete.
january 30
10:32am
let me wake up; rumble rumble
cold cold
all things rumbling are related to the cold
it's a silence
it's a peace
i have space
and time
only first world problems at the moment
and gratitude.
...
it's indeed a new world without you, Ernie.
But we are still here and that means so are you.
...
(as long as we are still here you will be too)
january 27
9:36am
stop watching me
stop looking
january 25
afternoon
the thing is
when you get to the bottom,
there's only one way to go
but up.
the day hasn't started but i feel like it is over.
january 25
10:48 am
Grieving in the time of Covid.
who are we when there is no one around.
january 24
5:08 pm
not allowed to change your mind people.
the world is a very stiff place.
january 23
2:12 pm
deep breath*
annoying neighbours buzzing upstairs
sun in my eyes.
fuzzy pj jacket.
and a Telus laptop to my left which makes me smile every time.
i hated the job but i love that i was right about how long it would take to receive a box.
buzy morning; could be poetic as we wound thru the deepest heart of our beautiful city
- a young woman drove as diamond-shimmery snowflakes blew thru the sun and the empty streets -
- from flat to flat, picking up Ikea items -
- loading them - in the frigid january cold
- and
i know that you - yes you - would never in a million year understand this priority of mine
the one where i describe the world through my early morning eyes
the one where no rules exist
the one where no one cares what i write
as i carefully remove your names...
but that is why i do it.
because i know.
and it confirms i do.
january 22
9:48am
the more i sleep
the angrier i get
but it's anger with an angle
a sharp one
and a mission.
there is a pile of silence
right now
as the slow brain wakes
to a snowy pandemic friday
and ringing ears in circles
;
;
a million emails;
a million non tweets;
a million empty fb posts;
and one loud silent no reply
from a child.
january 21 2021
10:46am
Adelaide.
a child in the 70s, in montreal, did not know much about Australia.
(this child still can't spell it...)
there were koala bears
and kangaroos
and boomerangs.
https://www.accc.gov.au/system/files/Appendix%20C%20-%20Urban%20growth.pdf
three cities were known to us. Sydney and Melbourne and Adelaide.
https://openresearch-repository.anu.edu.au/bitstream/1885/116290/1/apo-nid90876-207481.pdf
since the post-war period, Adelaide shrunk.
montrealers don't hear much about it anymore.
then in 2018 Mikayla Jade sung this song.
https://youtu.be/8W9Kv7VgZng?t=123
january 19 2021
9:18 am
I got all the way here
and we still have nothing in common
i left the CC
you joined it.
i left Canada
i came back
you think it's my fault
i know it's not.
january 18 2021
1036 am
notalot of moving.
brick head after head brick.
monday brick.
insta and coffee.
a christmas tree and a plate of food
david dobrick.
bus 129.
snowflakes.
two of us.
january 15 2021
1022pm
was an interesting day.
daringly posted photos from the past.
well without caring. so not so daring.
zoomed up north.
zoomed a birthday.
cheated wine two days in a row.
cheated class.
january 14 2021
12:23 pm (?) noonish / last few minutes of freedom for the day
back straight, poots.
deep breath.
you got this.
do what you can.
no such thing as miracles.
money is money.
their fault not yours.
what is a fucking "Online application"
crying over arugula
january 12 2021
9:13 am / montreal Lockdown 8pm 4 weeks...
how does any mother write a book
ringing ears and fluffy snow, there was a veiled story i had to tell
but my dreams wiped it out
and the wide awake child who is walking in the park
as i try to find a moment alone
after having mornings to myself
for many years
there was a perfect mep story
as there always are
but brains and gears
are not awake
only art
"something has changed within me" "something is not the same" - defying gravity
january 10 2021
9:35 am / montreal Lockdown 8pm 4 weeks...
welcome, january, welcome, 2021.
welcome silence, welcome empty roads
welcome eery hope
welcome cherry juice, welcome sleep
welcome five days off a week
welcome OCD brain, welcome rest,
welcome trying to be the best
at least this crazy Decarie lady can still watch the sunset...
january 9 2021
11.27am / -5. montreal.
Reflections.
i'm here, floaating, boating, roller-coating.
earned some money this week. maybe taught a thing or two.
coffee cold.
coffee empty.
a trip down the hallway, a hot pot, pigs who cost us money,
and a coughing Swiss man.
yes. he is still Swiss. Perhaps he always will be.
i ask questions but i know the answers.
i feign Fe so people will know i'm human.
it's so easy to make a pretty page
not so much a pretty thought
yes they must be pretty
because nothing else is
these days
january 4 2021
9:30 am / -5. Val des Lacs.
Tuesday. 2 months "vacation" over. who has a vacation in a pandenic
politicians apparently
but let's not go there
in the silence
with the coffee
and the snow
in an attempt to be more mindful than i've had the luxury of being in a very long time
i am attempting to be mindful
as wild animals flutter about outside
knocking seeds to the porch
as my ears ring somewhat musicfully
and my left hand lifts the Apollo mug with a hard gaze to the right
january 3 2021
9:34 am / -5. Val des Lacs.
my head is talking too much these days
shush head shush.
no one is talking back.
i don't have the energy anymore to be fake.
i just want to be me.
drinks: 1 glass wine
january 2 2021
10.32 am / cold. Val des Lacs.
it is a new morning but not for me.
Slowly chomping away at the same old feelings.
Tucking them away under anything i can find.
this space, and coffee, are still comforting to me
after all of these years.
focus. pretend. you are still the only one with your thoughts.
do not let anyone in to them. you suffer alone therefore you think alone.
drinks: Medium Manhatten + 1.5 red wine cheap italian stuff
january 1 2021
11.41 pm val des lacs QC.
updating the mEp towards midnight is indeed a thing of the past
yet all of a sudden of today as well.
a creaky house keeps me company
while i edit, reflect, refine, and re-do.
day one of a post pandemic year, isn't much of a post
but for the first time in my life, the new number seems to bring hope
awkwardly, hesitantly, as the days and months whisk by like boulders
let us pray.
these pretty boxes were icing on a non-existent cake called Christmas 2020
