off by ten minutes i
in january comes
a start of a new
the possibility of
the start of my
the transition is complete.
let me wake up; rumble
all things rumbling are related to the cold
it's a silence
it's a peace
i have space
only first world problems at the moment
it's indeed a new world without you, Ernie.
But we are still here and that means so are you.
(as long as we are still here you will be too)
stop watching me
the thing is
when you get to the bottom,
there's only one way to go
the day hasn't started but i feel like it is over.
Grieving in the time of Covid.
who are we when there is no one around.
allowed to change your mind people.
the world is a very stiff place.
annoying neighbours buzzing upstairs
sun in my eyes.
fuzzy pj jacket.
and a Telus laptop to my left which makes me smile
i hated the job but i love that i was right about how
long it would take to receive a box.
buzy morning; could be poetic as we wound thru the
deepest heart of our beautiful city
- a young woman drove as diamond-shimmery snowflakes
blew thru the sun and the empty streets -
- from flat to flat, picking up Ikea items -
- loading them -
in the frigid january cold
i know that you - yes you - would never in a million
year understand this priority of mine
the one where i describe the world through my early
the one where no rules exist
the one where no one cares what i write
as i carefully remove your names...
but that is why i do it.
because i know.
and it confirms i do.
the more i sleep
the angrier i get
but it's anger with an angle
a sharp one
and a mission.
there is a pile of silence
as the slow brain wakes
to a snowy pandemic friday
and ringing ears in circles
a million emails;
a million non tweets;
a million empty fb posts;
and one loud silent no reply
from a child.
a child in the
not know much
were known to
us. Sydney and
much about it
then in 2018
got all the
and we still
i left the CC
you joined it.
i left Canada
i came back
you think it's
i know it's
tree and a
plate of food
two of us.
from the past.
caring. so not
two days in a
january 14 2021
12:23 pm (?) noonish
/ last few minutes of freedom
for the day
you got this.
do what you can.
no such thing as miracles.
money is money.
their fault not yours.
what is a fucking "Online
crying over arugula
january 12 2021
9:13 am /
montreal Lockdown 8pm 4 weeks...
how does any
mother write a book
ringing ears and fluffy snow, there was a
veiled story i had to tell
but my dreams wiped it out
and the wide awake child who is walking in
as i try to find a moment alone
after having mornings to myself
for many years
there was a perfect mep story
as there always are
but brains and gears
are not awake
"something has changed within me"
"something is not the same" - defying
january 10 2021
9:35 am / montreal
Lockdown 8pm 4 weeks...
welcome silence, welcome empty roads
welcome eery hope
welcome cherry juice, welcome sleep
welcome five days off a week
welcome OCD brain, welcome rest,
welcome trying to be the best
at least this crazy Decarie lady can still watch
january 9 2021
11.27am / -5. montreal.
floaating, boating, roller-coating.
earned some money this week. maybe
taught a thing or two.
a trip down the hallway, a hot pot, pigs
who cost us money,
and a coughing Swiss man.
yes. he is still Swiss. Perhaps he
always will be.
i ask questions but i know the
i feign Fe so people will know i'm human.
it's so easy to make a pretty page
not so much a pretty thought
yes they must be pretty
because nothing else is
9:30 am / -5. Val des Lacs.
Tuesday. 2 months "vacation" over. who has a
vacation in a pandenic
but let's not go there
in the silence
with the coffee
and the snow
in an attempt to be more mindful than i've had the
luxury of being in a very long time
i am attempting to be mindful
as wild animals flutter about outside
knocking seeds to the porch
as my ears ring somewhat musicfully
and my left hand lifts the Apollo mug with a hard
gaze to the right
january 3 2021
9:34 am / -5. Val des Lacs.
my head is talking too much these days
shush head shush.
no one is talking back.
i don't have the energy anymore to be fake.
i just want to be me.
drinks: 1 glass wine
january 2 2021
10.32 am / cold. Val des Lacs.
it is a new morning but not for me.
Slowly chomping away at the same old feelings.
Tucking them away under anything i can find.
this space, and coffee, are still comforting to me
after all of these years.
focus. pretend. you are still the only one with your
do not let anyone in to them. you suffer alone
therefore you think alone.
drinks: Medium Manhatten + 1.5 red wine
cheap italian stuff
january 1 2021
11.41 pm val des lacs QC.
updating the mEp towards midnight is indeed a thing of the
yet all of a sudden of today as well.
a creaky house keeps me company
while i edit, reflect, refine, and
day one of a post pandemic year, isn't
much of a post
but for the first time in my life, the
new number seems to bring hope
awkwardly, hesitantly, as the days and
months whisk by like boulders
let us pray.
these pretty boxes were icing on a
non-existent cake called Christmas 2020