january slipped away
come and go
so now's today



jan 26
zennnnnnnnn
daya

she said you are over thinking
she said "you got this"
she said "you'll be fine"
she said "he's toxic"


i say

i still have to deal with it.

bit of a crazy week already, a sick poot with a heavy heart
who has no one to talk to and no where to start
i'm not even a Poot anymore
with a throbbing head and a blue hat
#BellLetsTalkDay










january 20
7:21am
looking forward

waking up


earlier than normal






january 19
7:37
(curfew over thank god for our 19 yr olds)
(who will be 20 this year)

so here i am
awake before nine
and actually awake;
even my brain and my body

there's even a candle in the corner;
and two people awake down the hallway (!)
two extremely different people
forced together in life
weird

as the caffeine molecules make their way through my intestinal tract and into my brain
wait does caffeine actually get through the blood brain barrier?

skyla thinks i'm estj for wondering that
as the pupper paws her hundred pound floof past the bathroom door
and wow for a moment i feel creative
having roberta tell me she loves me yesterday was key
thank you roberta

and so i've decided to enjoy this morning
slowly wake up
with the molecules and the minus temps blowing through the cracks in the 100 year old windows

so is Lauren back? well yeah.
is she looking forward and not back? hell yeah.
how much longer will this last? yell yeah.

essentially for 20 years the mEp was my mindfulness mornings.
when an ENTJ is IN the moment, she has to  do something useful with it.
she wrote in the mEp for 25 years.


 












jan. 15
3:15pm
saturday
caturday
um
no.

alpaca feet up on a bed
with comfy things i never said
some music coming down the hall
and tumbling dryer warming all

a frozen world outside the door
the pupper loves and loves some more
a shining sun with parksy friends
who run and play and











jan 10       
am i a mensch?


 


      
ultimately, what i'm still trying to figure out, is, is it just me who feels this way or are these thoughts normal and people just aren't willing to admit them. or, they are normal and so no one feels a need to talk about them...
 

january 8th : lauren is coming back.........

so in the past and in today
there's never anyone in my way
they push aside they run and hide
they are just not able to be in stride
to abide or be allied.

am i up top? am i too high?
am i the one who


so let's discuss generational differences
they had expectations
we have none
i have none
is this MBTI related



ultimately, what i'm still trying to figure out, is, is it just me who feels this way or are these thoughts normal and people just aren't willing to admit them. or, they are normal and so no one feels a need to talk about them...










january 7th

mildly ringing ears tiding me through the night to friday
hopefully the last unemployed friday of mine for six months
maybe more...

sweaty underboobs in a duel heated room; with a little broken heart
and some tepid but delicious coffee nearly done as pigs yell and wake me
at nine oh nine

another holiday shitshow is done
hopefully the last shitshow in a long time
yes i'm awake but a tad achy
with wandering eyes and mind
and a bored soul indeed...

each day a million more thoughts i cannot say
it should never have been this way
...
though what does it mean
...

Lauren returns on Monday
make those phone calls i hope i can
i hope she will have the energy
and the energy not to care
as no one else does.

no singing
no sighing
no lying













january 6th

inside out and upside down
where are you
i'm here..... same place i've always been.
you don't remember though
cause you. don't. care.
you only actually care about yourself
and i know this why
well i was you once
i might still be you....

ringing ears
lauren has a job













Jan.5th 2021
9:09am




good morning Lauren
can the sensors just fly away
and dig a ditch


can we have some meaning in life:
postpandemiclife
the pandemic is losing air
losing fancyness
losing it's edge
squeezing us in
freaking us out
and tyin; us up

watchin' us dig ditches:
watching us pee
watching us watch...
and
ultimately,
...
watchin' nothing at all

january fourth but i wish it wasn't
                six more days until someone thinks i'm getting up at seven am every day of the week
                    and hopefully will have akleenex soon
and


i'm going back to being Lauren again...............................

january 3rd 2021

this is absolutely my meditation station.
but removing life from every moment is harder and harder
even  though it's supposed to get easier

why did i used to embrace si
...lauren knew how

but she doesn't anymore.

Lauren sold one of her new cars because her monthly expenses were getting seriously out of hand
with the Lake house, considering they were rarely using it anymore. Packing everything up and loading the
car and cleaning two houses was just getting to be too much. Yes, the air on the lake is brilliant, and the
morning view staggering and mind numbing, but having to manage two households in the city and one
in the mountains just became a little bit more than she was willing to deal with on a regular basis. so
it ended up being rented and repaired regularly.

Then there was the pandemic of course...

sun. doesn't matter what day.
january 2nd. doesn't matter much either.
just need sleep please.

i just don't wanna bore you
but sensors are sensors








january 1 2022


Year 25 for this pen...
since we met, CLB and i...
before a dog, a pandemic, and many other things
which have warped who i am
who you are
(some of you)
and hopefully will keep warping.

we are following a new number today,
it's twenty twenty-two,
woo hoo, who whoo.
a challenge for me and a challenge for you
for you hoo hoo
for who who you.

half caffeine is done; one step up the flight
half wine begun, remind the plight
morning stretches; build some strength
evening walks and at the length


along with Lauren
who told her story
who is still trying to tell her story...

for one more year.