May 1
being highly intuitive: i can choose
i can bend towards the bad or the good side
with my heart and soul
i can momentarily want joy; want it all;
or see only the despair in not being able to obtain it
and sleep, or not, or well being, or not,
fuels this pendulum
and i even hate watching it swing
and i even hate knowing it swings
but i hold on as it does
waiting to be on the other side
but only on the good side
because the bad side is not an option
it is not life
i reject it
and the rejection is the reason i swing
April 29
7:58 am
on saturdays, my brain is still working,
because for me it is a continuum this life, it's all connected you know
and one moonrise and fall doesn't separate anything other than one less moonrise for me to see
saturday isn't free from my mind
my brain will gather and parcel any guilt and pile any accomplishments
and corral them into a reason
to be free
today
i dreamt what i will not write down
i worked what i will not admit
i think the un unthinkable
i process my life constantly, it runs through a blender, a large, fast blender
all the liquids spin around
on some days the glass is thicker
on others it never stops
...
who are these people who answer with longer questions than required
are they sensors
the goal is to parcel
to understand
to conquer i guess.
to conquer me.
5 years
2 emails
April 28
9:23 am
woke at 6 and set about to write but
now it's 9:23 and a 6 am brain has just kicked in
i try not to boast
i try not to brag
i try not to bemoan
i shut the fuck up
an infrastructure youtube at my left
glance over to the coffee as the buds turn real green;
a sullen swiss man marches up the hill
part of my heart follows him
i'm contemplating goals
and retirement
and hanging on
April 27
7:34 am
his emotions
so my emotions too, are what cause fear and regression
and whichever emotions you lock away are the ones you need to deal with
you can either fight them; stab them; climb on them
or
pack them away for another day
face them : stare them in the eyes and die with them :
paint over them, run with them, parcel them;
or
you can simply pretend they are not there
by having a cigarette;
by claiming failure;
what is failure anyways?
April 26
8:06 am reminiscing
another meme another song another haircut from the 80's
it's funny how the past becomes one when we look back
what shape does it take
a tunnel sometimes
through which i crawled
or blocks of decades
over which i climbed
does it pile up ontop of itself
or stretch out like a long road
some of it is colored
happy
some of it is colored
happier
i'd probably still be reminiscing
April 25
7:09 am
i am my own thing
April 24
7:58 am
as i lock the door behind her, i wonder how cold are her bare legs
and then i remember her hair is wet
as i lock the door behind her, i peer out through the small glass window
in the massive wooden door, built from a tree felled before 1907,
and allow her worries to be only a fleeting thought
instead focusing on all that is good
as i lock the door behind her and remember her hair is still wet and tell myself that she will have a good day, that her friends at school will be kind to her, that Mandala club will inspire her, that i am a good mother for adding a knife to cut her mango and a paper towel to wipe her hands, i,
for one very brief moment, was reminded of the single mother from Sesame Street and all of the stereotypical life lessons that i learned when i was five which i am so pitifully unable to communicate to her.
. . .
the contrast between what is good, and what is painful, helps.
and what i watch are my thoughts from the outside;
i am poor at articulating it, instead i call it 'looking from venus'.
some call it the 'big picture'
but it never looks big to me.
April 23
9:26 am my shell
mostly, i feel like I'm on the verge of total understanding
while simultaneously being the only one
and never believing it's not possible
to know it all
who will be always with you
who will save your soul
whose heart have you really had in your hands
it always slips out of my fingers
as soon as i sit to write it down
like the mystery to life
i grab it
and it's gone
or changes
like how i've grown into my hard shell
and am always still peeking out
in case things have changed
and through her, i have a new shell
through which to view the world
and my shell can now hover over her shell
and protect her
and sometimes i think
that this is the purpose
of me.
April 20
8:128 am
sometimes this brain sloshes about in the morning
after a certain Swiss man tossed and turned
and snored and smoked
in the middle of the night
and the bottom of the mug comes too fast and too soon
and payday isn't even exciting
but the laundry is folded
the meetings are scheduled
and rescheduled
and the CBC news is on
honking horns over a barely audible radio
humming CPU warms my lap
Science Marchers make posters
and bad jokes
i can confirm that life goes on
even if Ry is not happy with empathy being a driving factor
as i am not
the world doesn't logic very well
it's apparent to me
can't you tell?
April 19
8:14 am
hurry wake
ENTJ
hurry sleep
ENTJ
Easter is gone
but Easter was had
the moment i get here my mind goes blank
amongst MBTI discussions
unspoken crises
science tests
and Science Marches
all of my opinions become moot
April 16
9:48 am
no sunshine through the crack in the curtains
no sunshine when you're gone
no sunshine on leith
a few closed doors
a new niblings
are strange
on easter sunday
this bunny waits.
April 15
7:47 am
was happier to wake than to dream today
a dark dank apartment would have been my new home
should i have chosen to stay
a symbol of what the world thinks
but brighter
and if i go inside
inside the sunshine beating to my left
inside and past the Beta fish called spaghetti
inside and past the remnants of the urge to urinate
the moon coincidences
and the slight chill of air on my chest
well inside
my ears ring
and the more i listen to the ringing
the louder it gets
and the hum of the computer is barely silence
past the gurgling fish
and only a slight ache is left
of my aching back
and only a slight pulse of the soles of my feet
and so it's Saturday, Holy, as we contemplate if it means anything
or we are done contemplating
and for the children it means chocolate easter bunnies
and posting funny vids with the peacock at the mall
April 13
9:07 am
i can live stream a meeting from the bath
or
tell the world about skirt rolling
- - - -
i can
April 12
7:12 am
in the morning when my eyes open, i'm 52
and as i wrap the red sheets around my cold naked shoulders, i'm 60,
and amazed at my little body
i'm always just one thought away from something
every thought is a summary
all encompassing
entj.
nearly every though i have is final
it's always a conclusion; a summary;
a synthesis
a definition
but really i'm 51
April 10
1:50 pm
i don't do sibling day
i am bored day
i watch email day
i watch buds bloom
underwear hangs
swivel chair
the CBC
April 9
sunday at 9:44 am
it is little yappy dog season, as the last mounds of dirty snow seep into the muddy grass.
this year, however, the gurgling fish-tank is accompanied by the syncopatic percussion of a now-functioning Drobo, sucking incremental bits and bytes off of this very hardware i lay my hands on. practice makes perfect.
i should mention that my thoughts are clearer
my heart heavier
my pocketbook safer
and my mind at relative ease
all rare
all different
all changing.
April 8
7:47 am
i'm carrying on, carrying thoughts,
from one version of me to the next
and in between headaches
i opine
i'm watching her, from the outside of her,
though she can't know it yet
and it's painful
she opines
- - - -
mostly, it's about having the guts to say it
to say what's on your mind
without fear of repercussion
with conviction
with confidence
if you can imagine a world where everyone does this
... then you can imagine my mind
but i'm guessing you can not
and so
me and my headache will carry on
i think today is the day that spring springs
one achy back
on payday, i treat myself to organic milk.
April 7
rain rain
+ bombs in Syria
creaky floorboards above me form a rhythm of life while i read about otherworldly events
watching myself from venus,
i texted her in the bus,
pulling in all harmony i can
while unsettling tweets upset my TGIF and Prince lyrics as sent by the Swiss man
seagulls squawk
buses pull away
i check my online banking
someone dies in a cloud of dust
April 6
6:53 am
facing the world
what a different world it is
from 2011
8:06 am
i often dream of large upper flats
which never belong to me
and hunting for letters in sleep and in wake
another day has dawned
in my mind i travel back to where i've been
and to where i want to be
while others around me travel to beaches
as i watch unfazed and don't watch
i watch electrical boxes drip of water
and young men drilling holes
i watch buses head to the hospitals
and i transfer money to a Swiss bank
my shoulders slept
thank you cherry juice
half full beside empty glasses
April 4th
8:03 am
ODE to FACEBOOK FRIENDS
i wonder what Bill thinks as he watches Liane and i wonder what Tiara is up to now that we don't chat anymore
trying to imagine what Nick's voice is like is difficult; he looks gruff yet his words are sublime;
our very first INFP baby was born in England and the mother's ex is nowhere to be found
Julia's children seem like individuals; and her mother more extraverted than not;
the Koffee Korner ladies are more similar to the NT ladies than once thought
and on fridays Bailey sells makeup
most of the geography buffs are not American and most of the free thinkers are not free thinkers at all
and Alex pings me when he's not in class
i have rooms and friends for every mood here there are free thinkers and sensors alike
some are always smiling and some are always frowning
the music people are gentle and kind and Joe's house was burned down in the wildfires last fall
the sexy group is filled with Europeans and gender discussions are rampant
felicia is gentle and loves new york and Demian, ah, Demian. he is out of this world.
April 3rd
8:03 am
WASHINGTON BOUND
having children changes perspective
over time
while you don't even notice
one day you wake up
from diapers
and drivers
and decisions
and bad friends
from homework and housework and braces and packing extra shampoo
and comments about wasted money you spent on her private daycare
and you are a better person
April 2nd
11:33 am
i always loved shiny things but it seems that with age, comes perspectives
as i walked through a shiny mall
where i used to feel so at home, at ease, browsing with other people, the wares on display
and i watched my ENTJ doppelganger peruse
like a pro
while i thought how strange is this behavior, this collective ogling
of stuff we mostly cannot have
April 1st
9:30 am
i am not of the prankster sort
but i would slow down time
if i could
in bits and spurts
as i drank my coffee, perhaps,
extending these sanctimonious moments
where the world is mine
and i have the stage
if only in my mind
where i am not interupted
by thisworldly things and duties
nor a sense of not owning my mind