september pandember no-ender

10:11 am

itchy spots on a lavender topper, with the wilderness brings wasps that bite
the topper however made my night combined with maybe sleepy girls and rain.
saturday now. rain. silence. coffee.
a million thoughts skip through my brain, only staying for a while, not long enough to write
new pillows, a new Doctor, a new normal, and teenagers hoping.
in my mind, i'm not permitted to wish she gets used to this place
no such thoughts are allowed.
no fancy mattress toppers, no celebrating, no over-enjoying.

only in 2020 does one walk into a spa store and ten minutes later, buy a spa.

7:38 am

so twitter goes on to educate those who don't want to be educated

they never understood anyways.
don't forget that.

cheek chewing
change is coming

when you are nervous

9:39 am

those of us who figure things out
get kicked out.


9:01 am

ahhh now i remember what triggered her
it was me asking for the 12K.
let's not ask again.

8:06 am

a change of space is good for the brain
imagine living in the same space for 50 years

i wonder if you blame me
but then again
nothing was your fault...


3:31 pm

what is an "hour" of work
    what do you get done in an hour

        aug 19
10:14 am

i really wonder if i'm the asshole in all this: unknowingly: it's possible.

what are these 'boundaries' you speak of.
in order to live, we need to connect.

it's not me who is wrong
it's you.

        aug 18

time keeps on ticking
tuesday comes
sunshine shines
caffeine wakes

  aug 17

we are sociable and extroverted and confident in our opinions
we are very uncomfortable being fake
we cannot work in retail

august 16

if these words mean nothing to u
it's not my fault
but it's my detriment for sure
as i have little peace of mind
and i lay it bare here
so if it sits alone
then i'm alone
as we all are

when a number like 16 rolls around
and i mean roll because time won't stop
there's panic in the air;
and in my heart,
as the machine of life ignites and roars
and spitfires time again
from rolling to blasting off
and then everyone is running wild
chasing life, chasing dreams,
while it passes them by

august 15

there is a wisp of freedom which comes with a losslakeview

a freedom to not be judged by those you loved;
the one who wishes you were more Catholic;
the one who wished you were more like him;
and the one who wished the world was more like him.

RIP Papa, Guillermo, Ernie.

august 14 2020
7:14 pm

as i sit to write, a loon wails over the lake.

i wish i did not have this story to tell. but i have to tell it.


as a child, you visit cottages, some more than others
and some adults rent cottages
which are filled with things from another era

as you rifle through the drawers and cupboards
hunting for the "good enough" tool
you find strangers things which may have belonged to strangers to the strangers
or so it seems.
who bought that old green strainer?
where did these glasses with cartoon characters come from?
and how many church picnics has this tupperware attended.

and then there is a really hardcore garlic press.
it's the one sitting in this cottage's kitchen.
it was bought by me.
in 1994.

it made a


Rijsttafel for sixteen people. donna put the orange rinds in her teeth and we took pictures.
it made endless moussakas for people who thought they didn't like moussaka.
it made the most beautiful Mediterranean pizzas.
it made pesto and dinner and dinner and dinner.


  .... to be continued ...

august 14 2020
6:47 am

is it one decision
welcome, welcome, ringing ears.
mattress cover


august 13 2020

one eye still closed, waiting for the right amount of caffeine and trying to appear invisible
because no matter what i do
i am never invisible
i used to be invisible;
i used to have peace;
all that is gone
all those years of silence;
and it shows in my face
in my one open eye
and in my silence.


august 12 2020
7:35 am

these moments alone used to be free of charge: daily:
and without guilt
then they became precious
now they are impossible.

perhaps not everyone requires them.
but i do.

august 10 2020


if i have to only say what you want to hear
if i have to choose my words
and monitor my thoughts
to accommodate you

                            then you drain me.

and as i age, and age, and age,
you drain me more
and more
and more.

august 9 2020

there are different aesthetic ideals;
the one planned and expensive
and curated:
and the one randomly assembled with things that are "good enough"
which become the building they live in because someone hung them there.




august 4 2020

while the words may not spill onto this page
they slosh around in my head

periodically, very large periods i sleep
from the time i sleep until the time i wake
and a nostalgia comes over me
it's called feeling human...

when i wake before 8 and have time to wake before life hits
to listen to the rain
to make a bed or two
and to wake in peace
and quiet
and silence

and normal thoughts come to my mind
like is it someone's birthday today
or perhaps mine
and then memories of the old days
pass me by

while i brush them off
as quickly as they come

because really,
who needs that

i prefer to recall the old days of my parents:
the musicals in the school basement
the crazy fishing stories
the innocence

and a dream brainiac idea is forming in my  head
it's got things on the wall: a museum of sorts:
and now dishtowels from Germany
with captions

essentially a museum of my life
something i never imagined
while i built it.

august 1 2020


i know it's brutal
you're alone;

and in the blink of an eye
the swoosh of a screen door
the day
the most beautiful sunshine;
the temperature
the calm
the pureness of august first a a new page
pulled from under me
cracked in half;
perhaps that is how i dealt with what was my past
the peace of my thoughts
the moments alone

so am i.