december 28

close your eyes and imagine. from age 31 to age 54 you spend your waking up moments in silence.
waking up.

december 17

never knowing the date, but happy that it's often one number lower than expected when i check
a vacation in a pandemic is not a vacation
because all i have are my recurring thoughts.
when people don't hear from me
they think i do not know whose birthday has passed
people think if they do not hear something
it does not exist
because they must vocalize all thoughts all ideas
or they do not exist.

i do recall that world; i lived there for a very long time
but us aging ENTJs are much more inward than our younger selves

december 15

i didn't call you before when i had news
ain't calling now.

maybe, the ENTJness of us, is simply not cognitively aligned with being human.

#cognitive dissonance.

dec. 14
happy birthday Papa.
dec.14 1932 - may 2019

i post here, hoping it's eternal, my thoughts are eternal; for me, and for you.
on a snotty, bleak, december day, i feign the arrival of Christmas, starting with giving paper to a house fire
and ending with gold dear and garland. my brain decorates small trees along the veranda up north, and wishes
the tree i want for the city wasn't 100 dollars.

one can either buy groceries. 116 dollars. turnips and Gruyere and tomatoes and noodles.
flank steak and drumsticks and Boston lettuce and apple juice. parsley and milk. fennel.
then one can wait in line. pack it up, drag it home in the cold dark December. saute the onions.
slice the tomatoes. boil the turnips. throw the peels in the compost. bend over and remove the heavy pots from the oven.
carefully bake, stew, stir, and serve. wash the dishes and the table. call the children. pour a glass of wine. rest.

repeat 4 times.


one can alt tab to skip the dishes.
78 dollars. Korean bbq. 37 minutes.
everyone comes running after i pick it up from the stoop.
delicious meal, the odours irreplaceable.
piles of waste in the recycling tubs.
and then write an entry in the mEp.

5:08 pm.

dec. 13

just don't wanna have the same boring conversations again and again.

dec. 12

wakey wakey.

why would you be able to define an unhealthy type in the same way;
leaving the pic for top of the page
and trying to caffeinate myself out of bruxism
while circling around being judgemental to my core.

wakey wakey.
8.29 am
val des lacs.
no sheets. ugg. not good.
a foggy head. ugg. not good.

december 8
tuesday 9:21 am

first vaccine today, 6:30am, maureen, in UK

i've invited twitter into the winter tub
as we hold our breath;
though many can not
so many things you will miss, boots
i will experience them for you.

coffee is required for art
although it's not always a certitude
like the itchy bumps on my head
in winter.

how much time can one spend thinking about the same things

december 5th
....................winter's nearly over...!

mr paste does not want to help me here,
unusual, but not overcome-able.
large shoes
if you like my posts due to Fe
i will not bother liking yours.

where is the line between us,
i've always drawn my own
until i brought in the INTP and the kid
and realized, not only were they all talking
but they actually weren't listening

you think you follow my life: you think you know me:
when all they see is what i curate for you to see

december 2

coffee wake me
wake me
wake me
make me
make me
bake me
bake me
lake me
lake me