July 2014









July 30
Rest in Peace
Ric and Chloe May 2007





















July 28
out of office will soon be off;
i am still out of office; in body and spirit;
monday monday

later in the day...

a curvy smile on the metro reminded me of a dream.
i thought i would tell it here.

a long time ago, in a town not so far away, there appeared a girl.
not only endowed with the longest straight black hair;
with the curviest of bright-eyed smiles;
and the most confident fingers on the baby grand;
but she was American too.
she arrived, clean off the boat, and fell smack dab in love with HIM.
i stopped hanging out with her after that.


and, last night, i dreamt of her.

then today, the girl on the metro with the curviest of smiles,
reminded me of that dream, and that i should tell this story.
 



exiting the metro, head down and umbrella drawn,
miserable people pass me by one by one.
other cities have their smooth roads; fancy malls; and higher rises.
but back in my rainy city, i'm comforted to be anonymous,
invisible, and miserable too.

hiding under the limelight, here, no one expects me to smile,
to produce, to entertain, or to succeed. i'm allowed to hide.
i give myself permission.









July 27

fish swim;
kids yell;
woke at 11:17, thought the clocks were broken.
coffee in hand, sun is still shining, ears ring,
children are no where to be found, when adults sleep.

who has a stiff neck, that girl who writes in the third person, that's who.
clickety clack, weird dreams and all,
it's a hot day.
time to pick up the telephone.
 












July 25
all of us to our devices;
sunlight streams in through drawn grey blinds;
air conditioners hummmmm
warmed brown liquids through a straw;
it's ten-twenty-one and an erry feeling draws over me now.
meeting yawns with morning hugs;
was i pretty yesterday?





July 22


morning has broken, but not badly, even without cherry juice.






 

July 21
leaving in a silver truck
toronto-bound, the big city,
this body slept,
see you on the 26th.






July 19
8:49am

  my dreams swept me away, but i still woke up here.
sunday sunday, already 24 degrees on the decarie,
cars hummmm and roar, the early birds have packed their lunches,
a man's bare bottom protrudes from my bedroom,
and some of us dreamers are still chewing our cheeks.

a barbie cake was made,
under the woodpeckers, i'm here to annouce vacation,
and although i'm excited, there's a pall of sadness sewn through this week,









July 18

staring and chewing, not much is coming out.
it's Friday. i should move. he's not moving.
the fish grumble to my right, the radio inaudible,
the girls sleep.

even the strong java passes me by; though i slept;
i danced; and i had some fun for a change.

now it's mid-summer, like a dream, but not,
he's busy, he's afraid, but he's ok.
and i'm ok too.










July 16
yes it's all about you.


the words i woke with
might seem irregular
but they're words

and to put them on paper on her birthday
even more irregular
but these heaving, aching breasts,
as you can see, it's all about me,
(it's all about you, too, by the way)
are telling me something - as i make my way through a second life -
or was that third - they are telling me what i hear them tell me,
and that is a last gasp of air,
a last taste of triumph,
as long as i'm still alive,
i want to be living.

what was in God's grand design, i just need a bit more time,
and i might eventually figure that out, too.


the fish are being heated;
i have flashbacks;
but they're all inconsequential;



and it's all about you , too.






July 12
'the big day'

my eyes dart; that is usually a good sign;
dreamt all morning, we found money, piles of it,
then returned it.

 did i sleep? will she be rested? these are the vital signs of a big day.
inside, my uterus tells me that it's still kickin', i ain't dead yet.
wish it woulda waited a week. that's the kind of anger than can build;
even though it's not his fault.

today there are chirping birds; chirp chirp; the summer chirps;
there is a perfect stillness in the air; it's her time, now, to move.
to shake.

who mourns the loss of verility, i do. people have been civilized right out of their own bodies,
right out of their own lives, and, i've been saying this for so many years. it's tiresome.

9% battery, sip that coffee, not sure you're poots anymore, you've come full circle,
you're sure of yourself, in your lonliness, you're 14 again, you always liked yourself.
ache, uterus, ovaries, ache some more.













July 11
living alone

yetti mocked me;
me and my life goal;
hers is money;
mine isn't fit to write in public.










July 10
if i just write about waking up,
i woke up.
pets scurry. leaves twinkle. suns shine.

i don't do groceries anymore. alot is tied to money, to time,
although i have some, the regularity, the work,
became tiresome,
as soon as i had you.
i still don't know why.
and now it's eight.

i see the end of this tunnel; for it's a tunnel; a dark and lonely tunnel;
where my thoughts and actions play out in a one woman play;
where you and i are in arrested development, apart and silenced,
in body
in spirit,
and in mind.

finally, for once, today, with the end looming,
i see some beauty in this.
halelujah is all i can say.

July 9

is it wednesday
when is it thursday
then friday
and saturday
how are days so long
and unending

that's really all i have to say
this time that stretches
and people who don't believe me
can jump off













July 8th
i like the higher numbers
moving very slowly

there is a cruelty in love
a selfishness











July 7th

monday monday;
it's gray, how am i, badly slept but walking, sipping, tense, feeling
or avoiding feeling; even a conference tag, meaning, your name, sends a wave of emotions through me.

beyond words

it's a difficult brain i have today; wildly strewn thoughts and bodily emotions
sent me only sleep until 5AM. from then, i was with you, making my way through the night,
through our life, step by step, from the first moment to the last.

ballet. teeth. gate 2.


 







without you; without you; i woke up without you;

July 6th
11:12 AM
i woke up.



without you; without you;
i woke up without you;
i tried to tweet about love;
i wrote a facebook story;
the fact is that time is a privelidge;
so today, my time here is limited and interupted.
will i regret it one day?
it is time i need, then tell me, how selfish is selfish,
or, should we all take what we need.
or maybe some of us are special.

it's hard for me to start july in the face.
it's a buzzing girl and her birthday plans.
i'm not given a chance to slowly wake,
so instead of prose i will just fake it.

filling a space is important
especially when there is more of it.









July 4th
9:25 AM SMASH BAM BOOM


once you're gone, things change.
i change.





July 3rd
9:00AM


working my way towards rested; a roadblock comes in the form of a doorbell.
i'm staring now: straight ahead: caffeinated
and all.

i'm trapped inside this body, one that uses so much energy for it's brain;
it's perhaps, a body, aging, which drags around a brain.
furtive sleep; elusive sleep; evades me.

and when it starts to work, it tells me that you are leaving me again today.
that more tears are to come, that my heart will swell, as it does now,
as they do now.

and then cars on bridges don't mean much; and dinners,
and bills to pay, and alternators, and sometimes
even children bounced around like chips
however difficult, are the price
i was willing to pay.



i will count not days
but clearing water
and pools of tears

in a fish tank.





























July 2nd
7:42 AM

June 25th   8:17 am buzzing.

well there were impromptu BBQs and unexpected declarations of friendship
and too many numbers and a sad and pensive little girl.
some warmed my heart and some left it frozen.

it would be a time to talk in the third person
now would be.

i'll just click on twitter
sip my coffee
and

------------------





saw a picture on the facebook;
they were kissing;
i will love you more than that;

saw a photo, at the notary
in a pretty bridal dress;
i will kiss you more than that;

they are married, for better, for worse,
i will love you
more than that.


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