november overember

november 30


8:53am

freezer food made it to last pay

fuckers wrote "quit" (E) so I wrote "medical reasons"

lots of fucks these days
i don't care anymore
this is my me.

scribbling bills
no back scratcher
and the family won't even scratch it

and composer is busted  (i fixed it  )

old cold coffee

sprained wrist

november 28











9:02 am

missed this morning by 2 minutes....fuck. you'll have to sit with me while i wait to push the anger the unbelievability of the anger i have to wake up with ... let's talk through it my only moments of each day that i and he's back his brain pretends everything he needs to pretend in order for him to get what he wants and then my brain has to tell him i was going to throw my coffee at him and his brain pretends that i'm kidding all that matters is him. all that matters is me. but what matters to him is that he needs a mother and what matters to me is that i'm not his. welcome to a sore belly monday with ringing ears and sore jaw IBS growling all night after being a mother over the top waste of a monday bye

4:50 PM

 

in the 70s and 80s, a Canadian Hungarian woman who made no choices in her life, woke up and started dinner every day around 11AM her time and extended duration to make Hungarian food,  contributed heavily to the flavours, as they sat marinating or warming in the ovens ....

when i have the time and patience to do this, i love to do it.
today i made Hunter Chicken, with 4 pieces of chicken that was on sale.


these four pieces were four dollars and 85 cents....


and i wonder how much she paid for 4 pieces of chicken in the 70's with an income of about two thousand dollars a year.... yes a year.
three children. one house. one car.. and a trailer.

 
november 24

6:04pm


i am slow. i get a message as i am doing something else and my brain hates it i need to be in total control... is that ADHD? i once told sheila that i never do anything i  don't want to do if  it doesnt please me i don't do it day by day hour by hour second by second that's ADHD i guess?

























november 21

7:57 am


heat
heat
back
back
ouch
itchy




november  20
9:17 am


leaing left
reading right
sipping here
sipping there

heating left
cooling left
shopping in laval going through my head

canned the floor;
find 2K

i wish all comments did not have to be fluffy

the plan was to spend 100 on food for the week
but wine was 50, flowers 13, and a pile of junk food 87.


























november  19
10:15 am


morning morning angry again
the world is upside down
caturday trends while twitter dies
and neighbors ransack and yell again
and kally needs a sitter.

ringing ears are coming along
and now they are back;
caffeine helps them along
while my back is straight up
and the coffee warms as i fight with this keyboard
everything is making me angry today


thousands respond  to sensors who are sad

but not to me, nope.

fight or flight, yeah, i used to prefer fight but now i'm flight


...

what do i do, full time?
i manage my brain.

...



EXAMPLES
walking to get more coffee
reduce expectations
it's not as hot as i want :
what i want right now is the most important thing for my brain
so change the thought ...

but it will still wake me
at least there's coffee



i'm definitely fighting a bug right now
fighting these stupid thoughts
but fighting them with flight
flying to another thought












november  18
10:28 am


away on a day
hunting two K









november  17
7:47


i don't really know what to say today
i sorta slept and i'm okay
i'm kinda hot and it's kinda grey
let's hope i get to play today



snow fell yesterday
what else can i say
japping dog not far away
the child was super quiet yesterday
but she made it to work another day (heart)

mid november another pay
that's gone already, gone in one day

at least upstairs is a bit okay























 





to be honest, the sound of school buses arriving at school at 8AM with children in them depresses me....







§november  12
7:55


he definitely wakes me up all night
he just made a loud noise in the kitchen
he is unable to care more about others
he has no empathy
what a mistake that was
but i didn't know

so much i didn't know

if i could, well i could, but i'm kind,
i would throw hot coffee,
i would throw things,

i would even hit someone

...

the effort i put
the effort 24/7
the worrying i  do
the constant surveyal

and now, the surveyal of what i don't do
to see if they do it
is insanity

yes literally
i sometimes wonder if I'm insane

because no one cares like me
and i couldn't imagine not caring
but what a life that would be


i envy you sensors once in a while














 

november  11
7:45


nearly...
but not...



streteched myself last night
to go out drinking with a new crowd

chatted with the  boy from Florida





8:42  - difficult to write but i'm writing it. i do love you

i could be kinda well off
i could have a nice house
...
could be
but

i would't have gone to Europe 5 times
i wouldn't have lived in LA
i wouldn't have been to the carribean 5 times
i wouldn't have a 7 seat car
i wouldn't have eaten in nice restaurants
i would't have 2 step children
and taken them to new york

i wouldn't have ..... to listen to the kids upstairs running up and down and playing a piano at 8:46 am








 










november  10
8;11am


ALL hands meetings are about two people
i managed to sleep
i managed to get back to sleep
i prepared my intro

            "my name is louise pothier, i'm a born and bred monntrealer who's lived in LA and Stockholm at different stages of my career, i've been managing diverse             technological projects in different fields for over 20 years, and i'm very  excited to be here, now that i FINALLY have a ping pong table (laugh)

day 7 defining pic







 

november  9
7:47am


could i drink my coffee
could i just wake up
could it not  take 45 minutes before i'm here
my body needs so many things
including not a screaming guinea pig
not a family who leaves everything to me
(they don't feed the pig so  he wakes me)
not neighbors whose alarm wakes me
not a body like this that sleeps 9 hours and needs 2 to wake up
sip
stare
wait

drip drip drip caffeine

but there is worse little poots



aching back
ringing ears
short breath
seven fifty two

children on buses
while i wait
tylenol
wait

one hour more
nothing interesting to say
other than

sensors act.

dizzy, yes i'mm dizzy ow












november  8
7:05am



do i care 
about the building 
do you care about hers
do you care about ours
did you ask anything 
did you ask to see pictures
did you ask how many bedrooms
how many anything
...
do you still not care
then,
why should i

and  hers was because her father died;
my best friend of 40 years;
who caused us both so much pain;
and still does...









last EI payment, hopefully in one week it says Nov 15, 2022    TSI          2600







november 7
7:23am

no pee
tilted over to the right
the brain is waiting til it's right
swirly world as i sip
dizzy
not awake

sitting staring
no brain yet
7:27

in order to stop living angry
i will need to hire someone to clean
brain, that is your fix

hey, i called sani-ord at 733 am
maybe being brain dead is kinda a good thing

november 6

9:12am

no pee
no quiet
no coffee

crazy dream

broken back

8:12am


running  children upstairs
boilig blood
let's move on



here's  how it goes, as long as you live what they consider a 'normal life',  they will cheer you on.

wait a second, i just remembered the crazy dream WOW brown girl from the park triggered it yikes
and a bunch of legal stuff
wow, that was nother world














november 5, saturday, heat wave



12:42pm
tired
woke at 7am starving
1 tylenol and water
phone on
dreamed of serving tennis to cynthia
woke at 9 exhausted
took 40 min to get out of bed
ate cereal and then  cofffee

eventually wiped the counter
made protein breakfast
egg omelette whipping cream
Gruyere and mushrooms
improved a bit

house asleep except aalijah

decided to go out into the weather (20 degrees)
walked through park, vlogged a bit

lovely girl at the table talked bout lucy

went down the alley, nova was good,
asked betty's neighbour about her curtains
then we saw betty who admitted her sruggles
and explained the situation with her landlord
895 rent, has to tolerate suffering :(

called mom
came home


7:57












november 4, day 4


9:15am
coffee


Beautiful lake dog weekend



honey martin
Emmily asked us whaat we did today <3





november 3, day 3.

657am
at this moment i hate my life

let me explain.
aside from the iBS i'm having at the moment for not getting to wake up,
my waking up is a long process
(back from bathroom 7:11, meeting at 7:30, not finished coffee, daughter sitting in my bed
so here's my alone time, heart racing, need to sleep  to 9 but have to wakt t 6.30 for a meeting
and i get zero time to wake up
so i'm miserable

fun, eh??

7:13
backstrain
ears starting to ring
one laptop charger
have to go because this one doesn't work if i unplug it.

goodbye.
at least it's payday for him 300 less than what he should get because he's lame at adulting) but at least i can eat.

Mcgill Bicentenial closing concert

november 2, day 2.

7:34 am
slept all night
woke 7:14 before alarm
house was black and asleep
started coffee
then lights  came on,
i rushed into my room heart racing
so no one would talk to me
so my brain can have a few peaceful moments;
time alone (it did't of course)
time to go from painful haziness to slowly caffeinated and awake

the moments of my life that nothing matters
where there is no such thing as time;
yes, that is key; time;
(when his has no such thing as time all the time)

neck is a bit stiff and ears starting to wake up and ring
lower back sore;but hair is mostly a mess, in my face and beside my ears
how will i tidy it up without a shower

and now heart racing again, knowing how little time i will have to  really wake up
hair sticking out
stomach empty; breakfast will be at 930, i don't think they care, just won't tell shhhhh


door closed, shoulders down, coffee time has come





november 1- day 1

7:19 am
headache
sore throat
aching lower back
stiff neck
tinnitus 40db
slightly dizzy
sore chest
staring at the bottom right of the screen
coffee's tepid cause it was 7:16 by the time it dripped

won't discuss anger about how i was woken before the alarm
but that's why i feel all of this

7:23
have to be downtown all dressed up and clean at 9
at a new job
with people i've never met but doubt i'll like

...

this job ain't gonna work out :(

Downtown people warm oct vlog