Omgosh where to begin. I run the local MBTI Meetup Group (ENTJ) and At the end of the night, I am always exhausted because I always want to ensure that everyone feels heard. Feigning Fe is indeed draining AF. It has always had me wondering what it actually means to "Lead". Your description of people expecting you to lead but your not WANTING to lead was brilliant. People who have worked for me do love my leadership style, because I never micro-manage anyone, but you made me understand something about my leadership style that I have been articulating differently for a while now. I always say that I do not want to be responsible to motivate anyone - that I only want to lead people who are motivated - and so yes, when I walk into a room, I don't want to have to tell people what to do, I just want them to

Women's candle parties:
ENTJ take charge energy
their energy enters the room before they do
in women's spaces: who invited this in?

I am the problem, not the assumption...

we spend our whole life trying to meet other people where they're at.
- actually i never did -
having trouble making friends
being protective of our energy

but really:
we lose SO much mental and emotional real estate trying to play a game that we are not wired to be good at.

she flew to a birthday party
did alot of feeler stuff all day
seeking sisterhood, seeking to hang out with other women
- all day sisterhood event
breakfast: INTJ woman came to preferences, then had to go.
rest of the day she was the only thinker
did you have funor were you miserable
was not miserable, she enjoys being around other women
women value their rlshps with other women
underlying assumption that we meet them where they're at.

if you are feeler women: this comes as a surprise

emotional equilibrium
always an idea of understanding the needs of other people
where they are at emotionally
wanting the experience to be good for others

feeler: important crucial thing is to create boundaries so you don't give too much of yourself.

it's more expensive for NT women:
feelers are wired to get rewards from all of this....
our challenge: you start out not having much to give but people expect you to have an abundance
people think there is something WRONG with you, so we put a MASK on.
we don't want to look like we are incompetent in this area, so we FAKE IT

when we are younger we betray ourselves (I'm like other women)
we refine the mask and we get good at it
we learn, "don't tell people what you really think"
we start out intimidating, so we create strategies, like putting ourselves down
or we hide ourselves completely
we compartmentalize who we are

are you drained because you are pretending?


Not a mask of in-authenticity: A Mask of discretion.
Mask of throttling "I can't say this, I can't say this I can't say this"
So it's really a mask of knowing that esp with other women, they get to express themselves

So what is annoying is that you know that this is the moment that THEY can let their hair down
this is their moment of femininity, where they can hold each other and hold space and marvel in our womenhood

the intuitive blending piece is it's own layer... so it's harder for NT than ST.
When we let our hair down, and be 100% ourselves, it's NOT cuddly.
Many thoughts intentionally CUT through the warm snuggly environment and atmosphere
and that atmosphere can only exist if people stay above anything that could be controversial.
The less we get into the "muck", the less conflict gets created.
To keep moral up, feeling good, there needs to be a container that isn't being interupted.
NT women say stuff that creates controversy.
It's not intended to create harmony: It's intended to refine thought.
It's intended to work something out.
Might not even be a complete thought yet
Comes with a detachment from emotional intelligence and THAT is ITS Purpose,
it's on the OTHER side of emotional intellignce, it's purpose is to let go of whether people feel good hearing it
The POINT is to SAY something that people aren't gelling with with so that you go into the sharpening the saw refinement period on the thought itself.
The exhaustion is from withholding.
"I guess we had lunch and that was really nice but we stayed with topics that make us all feel really warm and fuzzy"

Inception movie: when a character is not supposed to be in someone's dream

Since that is the experience when you are younger, you just learn to be discreet because you assume that is the inevitable experience you will have later.

So much easier to pretend you are not thinking the thoughts you are thinking.

So much easier to meet other people where they are at than deal with constant social cleanup...

--------------did she NOT say they have complete thoughts? did i remember something she did not say? --------------------------

ENTP are the loudmouths. Hardest time not being controversial.
Sometimes people forgive us cause we've built up social capital, or cause we're funny.
ENTJ are next on the list. We understand how we impact other people but we are such powerhouses...
their energy enters the room before they do. And they are not sure how to deal with that.
"Who invited this in"
So we need to put on a friendly face and mete out our energy so it does not come across as hostile.
We don't want our energy to feel like a shotgun all the time.
Ego hit after ego hit.
WE have to figure this out.
We talk to other women and they just look at us like "huh"
We have men friends but men don't understand women either...

"I guess I'm always gonna be on the outside looking in"

(- I convinced myself for many years that THEY are in the wrong, that THEY are on the outside...)
If they cannot understand me, then they are the ones who are lost not me

(My thought: what are the impacts of us having to always fake hit)

the cure can be worth than the disease:

a common strategy is to immediately put yourself down around other women, because you don't want to come across like you are better than everybody else
we are REALLY sensitive to other people interpreting our desire to excel as some sort of statement that we are looking down on them.
(We are often looking down on them) HA HA

so after years of listening to ourselves talk shit about ourselves so we create a weird relationship with our self confidence
we know we can do anything but then we hear the words about how we don't have our life together
- my house is messy, i don't make sure my kids homework is done -
WE WANT PEOPLE to LIKE US, we don't want them to think we're overconfident, we want them to know we want relationships and connection
How do you reconcile this "I can do anything" voice in your head with your voice talking shit about yourself: It creates a really weird dynamic

-we get really gunshy about saying things that are controversial to others- so eventually we hide who we are so much that like minded people cannot find us

- we hide ourselves and then we don't find people who are like minded-

- women who made us feel like this would feel terrible if they knew how we felt -

then there's the choosing the right house thing.

nov. 6

all my life i did what i wanted.
now that I'm watching someone else do it...

my advice is boring...
i edged those little boundaries one too far.
my Te did not see the end of the line.
i never knew Fi was real.
now i do.
now i do.
perhaps i should thank you for that, Ernie.

i might not be interested in all the things you are interested in
it does not make them invalid

I'd love to write it all out but I'm not sure i could live with it
i could explain it via MBTI

for her, she sees it as a good thing, knowing he will never change:
for me, it is not a good thing, knowing they will never change:

november 4

i have changed over the years. i have pushed limits, boundaries, toppled things.
am i better for it? i'm wiser, but not sure better.

so the reason i cannot post whatever i want on facebook is because they don't want me to embarrass them.

10 / 29 / 20


nearly peace.

10 / 28 / 20




10 / 27 / 20

each disaster is another chapter in my book;

the current one being titled "no rules, count'em"





10 / 26 / 20

i am sorry if i've figured you out
if i can read behind your one word lines
and your lack of understanding

-they sort out all the details in meetings : nope. not the way it should work...

10 / 25 / 20

my verse:

i am glad that i got to work downtown
in a massive tall skyscraper looking all across the town
with buddies like Guillermo and Franklin by my side
Coming into my office to tell me all about their lives
Walking underground at lunchtime and sharing manhattans after five
And I am glad that it's over now
i am glad that it's over now

the maes verse:

I am glad that we crossed the desert together

All those nights we spent camping in unseasonable weather

We’d pack our tents up in the rain and set up in the dark

And we’d play so much music in caravan parks

And if I had my time again I wouldn’t change anything for the better

And I am glad that it’s over now

I am glad that it’s over now

10 / 23 / 20
i have almost actually been interested in the work i do.

10 / 20 / 20
today i definitely had a "grasse matinee" according to ...
i need to find a way to tell my stories
or change them.
and walk up victoria every morning.

10 / 19 / 2020

so many stories that can't be told: every day there is a new one:
someone going through a roller coaster ride and asking for my advice:
and i cannot talk about it here. nor anywhere. so here is the story.
you are not the only one.
other people are alive like you.
and willing to take risks.


thank God.

and you people who are watching me
and not following me

10 / 18 / 2020
 8:48 am

you will never read this
and you
and you

but i will write it anyways
for me
and me
and me.

as so many do not need to do
and many do need but don't

talking to yourself through no lens is important
sensors or not.

perhaps you say more on twitter:
Perhaps less, 140 characters or not
but this page is blank
and no one reads it
so it comes with a freedom
and ringing in my ears

10 / 16 / 2020
 7:46 pm

can we re-write our story
what if we do not remember our first stories
if our lens gets old
as we do

10 / 15 / 2020
 9:49  am

i will not talk for you all day
you waste your own time
i waste mine.

project list of lists and sleep of sleep weirdly now
when the whole world is my oyster
i have energy

10 / 14 / 2020
  8:23 am

every single day
i try to imagine a job that requires effort
and every day
i re

it takes me huge effort to dig up Fe

10 / 12 / 2020
  9:20 am (monday - pour myself a cup of ambition and try to get to life) (holiday)

i'm thankful; just not necessarily on thanksgiving
who falls for that and why
or do people allow the outside world to control the inside,
"today is a day to think about thanks"
i suppose that's ok
 i'm just feeling super feisty these days

however i did that on facebook
how different would my life be if i hadn't have done that
no MBTI, no INFPs, no rue, no Julia, no Elizabeth, no john oh, no malik, no Alex, no
which types resisted, largely sensors who don't like conformity,

dolly parton drinks the same amount of coffee as me
and she's nearly as weird as me too.


10 / 10 / 2020
10:04 am

on a saturday in the sity
sipping eSpresso
ignoring a sensor
or two...

in spite of a restless child
and horrible hay
and a man eating knackwurst
the earplugs helped
and i want to go shopping

what would you do with 3 days
stuck in a house

october 9th

the truth is that i only have nasty stories to tell; the good ones come and go
i watch you all running
i watch you spin

so folks, here is how social media becomes a shitshow:

1) tweet sunsets, get likes and retweets.
2) tweet actual ideas, silencio!

there you have it.

october 8th 6:11pm

so many stories untold;
from life to death
and in between
with music wrapped around them
in the cold north

a little bit of french wine
a little but of Rita by my side
the furnace rumbles
as the pink sky fades.

pinkdkytime to think
to process
and space to dance
for no reason
at all.

imagine hearing a thousand CDs with a dead man's ears.
welcome to my world.

october 7 2020
9:53 am

getting to the end of the loaf
and the end of the yogurt
is healthy.

we were having a great time...

october 6 2020
9:53 am

did he really hate them
or did he just feel the same way i did

i'll never know
i'll have to keep
i'll write a book
i'll weep

each turn i take
takes me to another place

october 4 2020


woke on bended ear;
with ringing ear and bent back;
twice louder than appliances

it's contagious alright
it rubs off on me like peanut butter
and it makes me angrier than anger
to not have my own thoughts
and be about seventeen months behind

so here i am, to scream and shout,
with another bout
as the sun comes out

october 2 2020

you see
i don't make lists
i don't have a To Do
i don't ever have more than one thing to do

so when i do
it's too much

that's all.

he ain't heavy