februwery


Jan 29
sunday
sunday


scary mornings, big numbers,
also
really tricky to age and continue to  grow;
and feel that you should be more mature enough to accept those who haven't
or perhaps you've always been this way
for years i woke and woke myself;
so let's try that again:
wake yourself:
but you are
wake your world
but you have
wake your acceptance
that is hard



i could list the wasted money
3,000
5,000
8,000










Jan 28
week 1 complete of broke leg

i wake up with so many theories and  explanations for life
and when i come to stare here they fade away


they are mostly irrelevant
repetitious
rude
and mine


entire sensor families love each other more;
fentanyl is killing so many :(

and then there's RSD

and then there's them never coming to see me

and then there's people only talking about themselves non stop

 and another interview booked  on a saturday for monday

what i said good: he asked how i start a project, i listed the projects where i was thrown at the wind and had to meet with different SMEs to ask questions, because there was no methodology, and talk to different business teams, sales, client, delivery people, to build a plan and start things off:

but i had a massive theory the other day:
i forget what it was and i did ot write it down
but it doesn't matter, nothing will change.


us ADHD people are sensitive because we are human.




(jan 27: THREE interviews, most in one day)





jan 25
day 5 of broken leg

10:12 am coffee time
a bit less sore
a bit quieter ringing
a bit less money
and a new door!





in the night i have theories


so many thoughts i can't even say
but we watched a webinar
and it went well












jan 24

do people end up where they belong?/

vancouver, ottawa, ottawa, NDG (Snowdon) west island?/














jan 21


psychologists are


the crazy shit is, even if the project didn't go well or get delivered on time,
none of them will care, they don't actually care about the project.
people just want you to suck cock.


look, i know that getting your cock sucked feels good, i get that,
but i only suck cock when it feels good for me too....








jan 20 2023

Nabob Espresso

...number two
                          stiff neck

people are so fucking weird. just so  fucking weird........
yes, including me, i did not say i was not included..

thoughts of psychologists
i cannot write them













jan 19

obviously i'm different now
words aren't creative
thoughts aren't either
no clear space: no zooming out: no backing up

just real
just this
just me

not you

and i already bought flowers








jan 18

just remember, your family is still anglophone, and you are not
you live in the city, and they do not
your house is shit but where you want to be
you have done what you wanted to do in life
you have a hard time spending money on things that do not bring dopamine









jan 16




sensors ugg






fri jan 13

if my dad was still here, i'd love to let him listen to this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzNuwjErYlE


he wouldn't like it, but he would appreciate me showing it to him
and he would listen.








jan10 2023
9:26 am
sleep : about 12-1:30 woken, awake til about 3:30, woken 4:30, ativan,  sleep from about 4:45 to 9

9:55 am
coffee leftovers take 2;
nose drippy; man useless; ears ringing; food required
again...







jan 9

what was my latest theory on project management...
evolution of my book:


1. everything is run by projects to get things done faster than trying to manage an entire organization
2. project managers who were willing to do n'importe quoi rose above the rest
3. companies don't know what real project management is
4. it became the job to fix gaps
5. it became nothing at all
6. projects became nothing at all
7. project management became Magical Thinking
8. project managers are the "rah rah rah" to make sure everyone is happy



it will keep evolving














jan 8


in the olden days you were allowed to share emotions with friends but now that’s only for therapy so everyone needs therapy 

is that why i didn’t have friends
i always thought it was about people not caring as much as me about everything but looks like maybe people just - no - i’m explaining this badly 
i thought they were all boring and stupid 
but now i realize maybe it’s the adhd that requires deep conversations 
so before the deep conversations i wanted weren’t about my problems cause i didn’t have the same kinds of problems i have now - back then they were to analyse life and analyze people and i just always thought that was interesting and intelligent discussion 
but if i want to discuss my actual issues with my life 
nah none of this is what i am meaning 
i was watching therapy in a nutshell and basically i have always done what she says 
and nowadays people just get therapy instead of making small effort because they don’t have the energy for effort anf because people don’t wanna hear your problems 

i realized that kally never shares her feelings with me - i mean yeah she says she’s entj 
but still she never writes her feelings down in messages and probably because she thinks they are for therapy only . 
what else did i wanna say 

the bumble lady who ditched me 
really annoying not cause she ditched me but because she said i needed to talk to someone 




january 6
 10:35am

very loooooooooooong night
cheery on hold music
tickly throat coughs
tricks to stop squeaky floors coming up
after hopefully this company allows me not to spend 1500 today

the coffee is done
nearly
sit up louise
dog is  out
change of scenery

january 5
  956 am laughy emoji mug

this is where i get to speak
remember

coffee; icky;
body; achy;
ears; ringy;
shoulders; tensy;

can't say who i don't like
or like
or anything;
but let's hunt down the old lives i lived
yes poots let's do that

how much do you remember about this  week during the ice storm in los  angeles
absolutely none
therefore
memories are  not makable
the brain decides what you remember not you




























january 3
8:09 am

this mind bounces back and forth

this eyelid is twitching

this brain dreamt of christine

this coffee is  shit

these  ears are ringing at a higher pitch

this back aches

this ear itches

but i got up early anyways

is it garbage day

12 years and  i still don't know

not the style i wanted  to write today




i used to think
if the world  knew my brain
but now i know it never will
it doesn't actually care










january 2
fairview mall
mandy
low gas
no$
mercier






january 1 2023
1:18 pm

greetings, liars.