december fuck2020
nov 30
9am monday.
i dreamt. why today? who knows
Carleigh asked to come live with us
three sips...
you see, what i say doesn't matter
...
because no one's listening.
.
november pandember
sunday
29 nov
7:46 am
interview prep
omg it's easy to think things but not so easy to type them.
november pandember
saturnday
28 nov. (some weird looking number)
9:25am
all the birds are here.
birds birds everywhere.
what else would such windows be for?
maybe i should make the text larger for those at the back
i have felt quiet lately but not today
swerving in and out from fine and ok to not fine and tilted on this couch
with the yucky kind of coffee that tastes like the wter is old
and normal morning sniffles
the problem with sleep is that it makes you feel
one can get very used to not feeling
november pandember
freeday
27 nov.
9:28am
What should I do about SFJs once i understand them better than they understand themselves?
the girls don't notice my black bra under this pink shirt because bras are no longer white.
november pandember
toosday
24 nov.
4:18 pm
these tiny words are mine;
at four pm or six or nine
i write them here
to shout it out
even if
it's not really loud
some words are on repeat in my mind
and if you heard them you would find
i'm mildly ocd and well defined
by what on earth goes through my mind.
no matter what i write or say
the words i say just get away
november pandember
moonday
23 nov.
10:19am
there is literally nothing i can say
my entire mind is only mine
no one wants to hear it but you
and you're gone
wrote a song this morning.
Lord we don't need another condo
there are Condos on Mountain enough to buy
There are condos on Sherbrooke built a way up high
Enough to last until the end of time
What the world needs now is LESS condos
Not affordable for your average Jill and Joe
What the world needs now is cheaper rent
No not just for some but for almost e everyone...
november pandember
freeeday 20 nov.
10:22am
no one ever took care of me after i left home.
did i need taking care of?
i don't know.
but that's why i was untrue.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq9bHd58-LA
i might just be myself going forward. how long has it been since i've been trying to be who i'm not? 40?
november pandember
moodnay
11:55am
there are so many places you could go
which are not on the other side of the planet
or in America.
yes i get stuck on things too
as i'm stuck on this
november pandember
sunday 15
10:35 am
as days and weeks turn into better sleep
even my morning brain can think
i could actually write alot alone with my thoughts
tumbling over themselves, if i'm honest
OCD tumbles over ENTJ and lands on it's head
repeating lines in my head
until the morning light and then some spill
onto pages or websites or social media
and every time i look at the park
i see alice and henri running around
how long can i ignore fb while i wake
it's a weird thing to do if i'm honest
the question is have i won
or lost
maybe there are exactly no more useful jobs
november pandember
saturday 14
dear sensors ...
us NTs are not you.
we do not have schedules.
we sometimes sleep badly
we sometimes get up late
we have thoughts to think
and data to crunch
we have seventy tabs open:
comparing data from2016:
in the middle of four podcasts:
and five conversations
but...
we are still human
and we are kinda free.
nothing forces us
but us.
i like the number 14
I'm not sure i ever knew that
the chemin laurin duck pond
oct. 31 2020
november pandember
Friday the Thirteenth
scroll scroll scroll on by
move that stuff below
press it into the past
where it rots and grows
scroll scroll scroll on by
push that shit away
push it past the eyesight view
cause it's another day
push push push it down
the past is yet the past
our thoughts and words and shit will be
a pile of compost fast.
nov. 12
i can take shit.
i can take ALL your shit.
but it doesn't mean i'm GUNNA.
november 12 2020
myplaylistisfor sureanoddthing
oops. need air compressor.
if i invite you to my country place and drive you up and feed you during a pandemic
don't tell me when my shirt is inside out
don't put the kitchen mat i just told you i bought outside in the rain
don't take the matt from the bathroom downstairs and put it upstairs
don't tell me that i don't need to change the bed you slept in
don't walk around talking to me when i just told you i have work to do and need to concentrate
and if i stop at Mcdonalds and you say you don't eat McDonalds
don't ask me to order you an icecream and eat the rest of my frenchfries;
and when i bring you to the store don't touch every single thing in the store and make me tell you three times not to touch things
and don't ask me to give you two slices of the bread i just bought.
just don't.
november 7 2020
6:19pm
there are types who are more awkward at conversation than i am.
i just drank champagne with them.
My THREAD:
i think we are the problem.
women's role historically was indeed to ensure harmony:
because men were making wars.
so i definitely feel like the mutation.
and i'm fine with that.
Antonia's articulation of my life issues - well - the ones i've NEVER SHARED with ANYONE
are freaking brilliant. Us NT chicks are different. We're lonely. We suck.
She says our energy "enters the room before we do" and no truer words have been spoken.
Women avoid me like the plague. This is not news to me, but now I really and truly get it.
Thank you Antonia. I know you think the assumption is the problem but now I know for a fact,
I AM the problem. I mean. I always knew I was different: But I never knew that I was a problem.
I have never publically admitted this: I do WISH i could connect with women.
I have never publically admitted this: I now understand why I never will.
I know feeler women care, feel bad for me, feel bad that they exclude me.
I never knew feelers create boundaries. I have spent my life trying to topple those boundaries.
I need you to be vulnerable. I need you to be your authentic self.
I need you to give all of yourself. I always give all of me. Whether you want it or not.
I have lived in a compartment my entire life. I show different sides of me depending on who is watching and listening.
I used to protect myself but at 55, I now know that I am protecting YOU not me. I have no fear. I have no Brand.
I am indeed NOT cuddly (Antonia said that).
I want to learn, to grow, to progress.
NT women feel the same way, but they are not helpful, in the same way that MEN are not helpful.
Antonia said:
It's not intended to create harmony: It's intended to refine thought.
It's intended to work something out.
Might not even be a complete thought yet
Comes with a detachment from emotional intelligence and THAT is ITS Purpose,
it's on the OTHER side of emotional intellignce, it's purpose is to let go of whether people feel good hearing it
The POINT is to SAY something that people aren't gelling with with so that you go into the sharpening the saw refinement period on the thought itself.
The exhaustion is from withholding.
"I guess we had lunch and that was really nice but we stayed with topics that make us all feel really warm and fuzzy"
I have never seen inception.
So much easier to meet other people where they are at than deal with constant social cleanup...
WE have to figure this out.
We talk to other women and they just look at us like "huh"
We have men friends but men don't understand women either...
"I guess I'm always gonna be on the outside looking in"
(- I convinced myself for many years that THEY are in the wrong, that THEY are on the outside...)
If they cannot understand me, then they are the ones who are lost not me
Women's candle parties:
ENTJ take charge energy
their energy enters the room before they do
in women's spaces: who invited this in?
I am the problem, not the assumption...
we spend our whole life trying to meet other people where they're at.
- actually i never did -
lonely
having trouble making friends
being protective of our energy
but really:
we lose SO much mental and emotional real estate trying to play a game that we are not wired to be good at.
she flew to a birthday party
did alot of feeler stuff all day
seeking sisterhood, seeking to hang out with other women
- all day sisterhood event
breakfast: INTJ woman came to preferences, then had to go.
rest of the day she was the only thinker
did you have funor were you miserable
was not miserable, she enjoys being around other women
women value their rlshps with other women
underlying assumption that we meet them where they're at.
if you are feeler women: this comes as a surprise
emotional equilibrium
always an idea of understanding the needs of other people
where they are at emotionally
wanting the experience to be good for others
feeler: important crucial thing is to create boundaries so you don't give too much of yourself.
it's more expensive for NT women:
feelers are wired to get rewards from all of this....
our challenge: you start out not having much to give but people expect you to have an abundance
people think there is something WRONG with you, so we put a MASK on.
we don't want to look like we are incompetent in this area, so we FAKE IT
when we are younger we betray ourselves (I'm like other women)
we refine the mask and we get good at it
we learn, "don't tell people what you really think"
we start out intimidating, so we create strategies, like putting ourselves down
or we hide ourselves completely
we compartmentalize who we are
are you drained because you are pretending?
WE COMPARTMENTALIZE WHO WE ARE
Not a mask of in-authenticity: A Mask of discretion.
Mask of throttling "I can't say this, I can't say this I can't say this"
So it's really a mask of knowing that esp with other women, they get to express themselves
So what is annoying is that you know that this is the moment that THEY can let their hair down
this is their moment of femininity, where they can hold each other and hold space and marvel in our womenhood
the intuitive blending piece is it's own layer... so it's harder for NT than ST.
When we let our hair down, and be 100% ourselves, it's NOT cuddly.
Many thoughts intentionally CUT through the warm snuggly environment and atmosphere
and that atmosphere can only exist if people stay above anything that could be controversial.
The less we get into the "muck", the less conflict gets created.
To keep moral up, feeling good, there needs to be a container that isn't being interupted.
NT women say stuff that creates controversy.
It's not intended to create harmony: It's intended to refine thought.
It's intended to work something out.
Might not even be a complete thought yet
Comes with a detachment from emotional intelligence and THAT is ITS Purpose,
it's on the OTHER side of emotional intellignce, it's purpose is to let go of whether people feel good hearing it
The POINT is to SAY something that people aren't gelling with with so that you go into the sharpening the saw refinement period on the thought itself.
The exhaustion is from withholding.
"I guess we had lunch and that was really nice but we stayed with topics that make us all feel really warm and fuzzy"
Inception movie: when a character is not supposed to be in someone's dream
Since that is the experience when you are younger, you just learn to be discreet because you assume that is the inevitable experience you will have later.
So much easier to pretend you are not thinking the thoughts you are thinking.
So much easier to meet other people where they are at than deal with constant social cleanup...
--------------did she NOT say they have complete thoughts? did i remember something she did not say? --------------------------
ENTP are the loudmouths. Hardest time not being controversial.
Sometimes people forgive us cause we've built up social capital, or cause we're funny.
ENTJ are next on the list. We understand how we impact other people but we are such powerhouses...
their energy enters the room before they do. And they are not sure how to deal with that.
"Who invited this in"
So we need to put on a friendly face and mete out our energy so it does not come across as hostile.
We don't want our energy to feel like a shotgun all the time.
Ego hit after ego hit.
WE have to figure this out.
We talk to other women and they just look at us like "huh"
We have men friends but men don't understand women either...
"I guess I'm always gonna be on the outside looking in"
(- I convinced myself for many years that THEY are in the wrong, that THEY are on the outside...)
If they cannot understand me, then they are the ones who are lost not me
(My thought: what are the impacts of us having to always fake hit)
the cure can be worth than the disease:
a common strategy is to immediately put yourself down around other women, because you don't want to come across like you are better than everybody else
we are REALLY sensitive to other people interpreting our desire to excel as some sort of statement that we are looking down on them.
(We are often looking down on them) HA HA
so after years of listening to ourselves talk shit about ourselves so we create a weird relationship with our self confidence
we know we can do anything but then we hear the words about how we don't have our life together
- my house is messy, i don't make sure my kids homework is done -
WE WANT PEOPLE to LIKE US, we don't want them to think we're overconfident, we want them to know we want relationships and connection
How do you reconcile this "I can do anything" voice in your head with your voice talking shit about yourself: It creates a really weird dynamic
-we get really gunshy about saying things that are controversial to others- so eventually we hide who we are so much that like minded people cannot find us
- we hide ourselves and then we don't find people who are like minded-
- women who made us feel like this would feel terrible if they knew how we felt -
my post:
Omgosh where to begin. I run the local MBTI Meetup Group (ENTJ) and At the end of the night, I am always exhausted because I always want to ensure that everyone feels heard. Feigning Fe is indeed draining AF. It has always had me wondering what it actually means to "Lead". Your description of people expecting you to lead but your not WANTING to lead was brilliant. People who have worked for me do love my leadership style, because I never micro-manage anyone, but you made me understand something about my leadership style that I have been articulating differently for a while now. I always say that I do not want to be responsible to motivate anyone - that I only want to lead people who are motivated - and so yes, when I walk into a room, I don't want to have to tell people what to do, I just want them to
i deleted that and then wrote this:
then there's the choosing the right house thing.
nov. 6
all my life i did what i wanted.
now that I'm watching someone else do it...
my advice is boring...
i edged those little boundaries one too far.
my Te did not see the end of the line.
i never knew Fi was real.
now i do.
now i do.
perhaps i should thank you for that, Ernie.
i might not be interested in all the things you are interested in
it does not make them invalid
I'd love to write it all out but I'm not sure i could live with it
i could explain it via MBTI
for her, she sees it as a good thing, knowing he will never change:
for me, it is not a good thing, knowing they will never change:
november 4
i have changed over the years. i have pushed limits, boundaries, toppled things.
am i better for it? i'm wiser, but not sure better.
so the reason i cannot post whatever i want on facebook is because they don't want me to embarrass them.
