october 31 2022

my words will be coming;
in lines and in red;
when nothing else matters
but getting out of bed

so everything orange
or purple or red
are words that i shouldn't say
on here or in bed

but this is MY diary
the thoughts from my HEAD
that all need to get out
before i am ......

october 30 2022

gonna say it today
it's just insane how much work i do in this house

maybe other women do this much, and if they do, well there is a problem
if not, i guess i'm kinda dumb.
but i don't train humans
if  a human i live with cannot see how much work i do, then well one day they will regret it
cause i'm gonna write it here.

i do about 4-6 hours of housework a day.
when i ask someone to help, they do about 15 min.
and i have to ask.
i drove to 6 stores in the past 4 days
i bought all the food
i bought all the toiletries, the Halloween candy, the dog food (70 pounds), treats
i bought mouse repellents (about 150$ worth), dishes racks, dishtowels, organic soap, etc..
then i did all the work in the Saturday rant which doesn't include another day of work

then today, i had to bug for her to put away a few dishes, no one other than me does house laundry
no one washes the counter tops, no one wasehs the floors, the cupboards, the walls, the fridge and appliances

if there's dirty towels on the floor from the dog, they'd be there forever, i am the only one who has ever picked them up in 2.5 years and washed them
no one washes the windows, no one dusts or washes the top of furniture
no one changes  sheets
no one vacuums
no one washes the floors
no one puts the grocery bags away
no one unpacks the decorations from the closet or puts them back, only me, twice a year, about 8 lrge boxes to move

this list goes on and on and on and on, and they watch me do it.

and remember, he sends about 5K a month to switzerland, so our life depends on me working at these jobs i hate
i pay all the bills
i manage all our debt
i plan all our vacations
i yell at him a hundred times a year to make sure he modifies his tax reduction so his wife doesn't get more money

and i ask for one thing.
just one thing.
do not speak to me before i finish my coffee.
and every morning, if he sees me, he starts talking to me

saturday rant
people don’t understand why this place stresses me out - i spent all day thursday cleaning mouse poop from the entire house, then yesterday we discovered that there’s no oil and today it seems the controller and the pump might be broken and there is a leak that has rusted the pipes near the furnace and today i washed all the floors and cleaned all the bedrooms and replaced the sheets and cleaned chloe’s rooms and organized the garage and found her fridge full of mould so i disinfected it and now i’m waiting for the oil guys and if they see the basement they’ll probably say it’s busted and two guys are coming on monday to replace the bathroom in the garage and i won’t have any money left once i pay them . fun fun fun.

octoberview i had just decided this week maybe not to rent and instead to up here more this winter and then this. and i start a new job on Tuesday. fun fun fun. i literally just turn off this place from my brain when i go back to the city. andrea was upset that i wouldn’t watch a video with him how to replace the valve or whatever it is - he can’t think on his own how to fix things , because his brain doesn’t work well when he has to do important things. i refused to do it. it was the only thing he’s done related to the house since we arrived , i’ve been physically cleaning since we arrived and he’s been on his computer (yea mostly working but also not working). just have to say this shit cause i know no one could imagine dealing with this shit and every time he hears me eating he comes downstairs to get food. but if i ask him to come wash dishes he does it two hours later

in the morning i have to sneak to get coffee so he doesn’t talk to me before i drink coffee (i’ve given up telling him i don’t speak before coffee - been 12 years


october 27 2022

so many unwritable things
in my brain
and in my heart


october 26 2022

freaky  talk yesterd
ay with the girls about  their generation, about halloween, and phones, and cost of living and them not being able to buy houses and them not wanting  to  take CARE of houses (they agreed with me LOL)

a few thankful things

october 25 2022


between how modern software and email works  and  how jobs work

i know how email worked in the old days and now no one cares if the image is an attachment or displayed
because email used to be like
but now it's just like tap water

now everything is tap water
even starbucks

yes, there is an answer for everything

how am

october 20 2022


this is the  plan

october 18 2022


i finally came to a conclusion which would resonate with both sides


october 9 2022

what  brings  you    joy
the oddest things
5.2 kilometres  being 3.2 miles,
that's walking distance
to downtown montreal

what brings  you  pain
the oddest things
someone who's ...
i don't know how to articulate
super sensor
and forcing me to compliment your hair
because i've nothing else to say
i'm not unkind though, because i can't hit "Publish"
i would never want you to know
and he loves you
i'll wait a few days won't i

october 8 2022

who do you listen to?
why are ENFJ's so believable

who  do i know these days

jean  michel: due  to lake house he is  renting our garage and imports wine
mika: due to dog she is a doula and the kindest and caringest  (ENFJ)
kally: due to MBTI she is ENTJ and appreciates me and  cried in my arms last week, first time an adult has cried i n my arms other than my daughter
heike: due to private school, she is intellectual professor and smart and cares about me and lives close
nigel: due to an old friend//colleague he flirts with blondes but is smart and likes me
betty: due to dogs
blithe: due to Pace and LA and swearing

i can't  even write more because people judge you based on 3 words

how long should you take to come up with the appropriate next sentance

is it "they don't care to see me cause i don't care to see them or is it "I don't care about them cause they don't want to see me?

october 7 2022

people suck